Monty’s Afterword

Here’s a pic of me at CES 2008.

Not bad, eh? More on me later.

This year’s CES was distorted by Gizmodo’s Punk’d prank that I refuse to link to. They’ve got enough web traffic for their efforts as it is. I’m not going on a rant about journalism practices or viral video or yada-yada-yada. Instead, I’d like to remind people that we’ve all been there before, but perhaps Gizmodo has struck a new chord– the rise of adolescent technology. Let’s face it. Someone has got to play the role. And, they’re not the only ones screaming for attention, needing affirmation from the peers, and in the process trying to find their self-identity. Case in point, Sony’s Rolly. What the heck was that?!

Hey, look at me. I roll around and play music. I’m crazy. I’m different. I’m cool. Right?

Everybody is looking to find their place on the show room floor. That’s CES. Big stakes. Big risks. Nasty spills. But you don’t really know CES until you’ve done it my way.

The day before my journey to CES I had to see the doctor about a swollen jaw. I turned out to be a swollen lymph node. I was prescribed generic antibiotics and steroids. The pharmacist consulted me on the steroids saying that it would make me feel a little off. “Wait. Off? What do you mean off, cause I’m heading to CES,” I said. I had to think about this. I didn’t want to go on some sort of roid rage at CES. You know it can happen, even without the roids.

“Oh. No. You’ll get a sense of euphoria.”

I thought about that for a second. Euphoria–that actually sounded good. And it was. I spent CES legally doped-up on steroids and generously claimed to be the only journalist on performance enhancing drugs. Although, it was clear to me that my performance was not at all enhanced. In fact, at an evening press event I clumsily fell into a PR’s lap and started chatting away like we were BFFs in the most embarrassing of ways. I know, it’s hard to imagine. But, it’s amazing how quickly we can make fools of ourselves when we forget who we are, either by way of prescribed performance enhancing drugs or the temptation of prescribed viral video.

One thing is for sure– there is no cure for stupidity. So long as their is a stage big enough, stupidity will continue to breed. What will be next year’s Rolly? If anything, CES ‘08 taught me that there is an audience for adolescent technology. What happens in Vegas won’t stay in Vegas. It’s gossip fodder and totally punishable– just like any good junior high prank.

Ok, not so… we will be concluding the year of the Pig and starting the year of the Rat come February 7th. The year of the Tiger starts in 2010, but I felt that 2007 Pig was upstaged by a very well known Siberian tiger named Tatiana. Tatiana’s story reminded me that despite all the wonderful advancements we humans have made, we all still need some guidance from time to time. So, I wanted to pass on some wisdom for 2008– some food for thought, one might say.

Mark’s 2008 Proverbs

1. Never provoke a 350-pound tiger, no matter how much fun it might seem.

2. Don’t become a pack rat! Clean out your closets and recycle your belongings at Freecycle.org–you’ll save your landfill and you really only need half of what you think you need.

3. Clear your mind– either by meditation, prayer or some other method. Try to find some peace and quiet.

That’s it. If you follow my wisdom for 2008 you’re pretty much going to have a great year. I’m very confident of that. Leave a comment if you have any wisdom you’d like to share.

I like video games. I like Nintendo Wii. My bro-in-law has one. Most of you know about the Wii already, so I won’t go into how cool the technology is and how much I like the design. But, I do want to share this cool hack that I found via Hack a Day blog.

So… You know I teased online dating not too long ago. Nothing against it of course. I like the whole show me a pic conversation. When do you start that? And, what does it say about you if you withhold a pic from an online solicitor? There is always a level of fear and vanity in online dating pictures. In such an environment, there is also the opportunity for a business transaction. Enter PickWash.com. Like a carwash, PickWash is a full-service clean-up facility for your pics. And about the same price, too. For $7, You can upload your photo and have PicWash’s photo editing experts do the following:

* Reduce facial shine
* Remove acne and other skin blemishes
* Even skin tone and optimize complexion
* Add glow to the eye while eliminating red-eye
* Whiten teeth
* Reduce Wrinkles
* Tweak the overall luminosity and color of the picture

Hey that’s a good deal if you’re going to flaunt yourself online or prep a picture for a Christmas card. Or if you printing out a picture to adorn the fridge. Or you got your mug shot on a blog…

Anyhow, I thought I’d share this little gem with you just in case you’re thinking of a last minute Christmas gift. No seriously, there’s a gift card for your vain friends and family. What says Merry Christmas better than a gift card to help you’re recipient not look so bad in photos. I can’t think of anything. What I want to know is if you take your photo through twice does it look extra clean?

I have absolutely no authority to do this, but I’m going to appoint three all-stars as co-commissioners of the newly formed Videomaker Party Planning Committee. This is an important responsibility for any organization and certainly a task that not everyone is equipped to do. It requires ambition.

For those of you who are not watching too much TV like I am, this a mock-motivational poster inspired by the corporate satire TV show, The Office. But, this is the real deal (read sarcasm). I’m going to accept resumes for the three positions and pass those along to Dwight Schrute. Dwight will be conducting the interviews which include a written test, oral test and a final set of tasks at the Schrute family beet farm. Here’s the details:

Applicants for consideration should have:

California Hunting License

Concealed Weapons Permit

Able to lift 60 lbs

Military experience a plus

Please let me know if you have any questions. Leave me a comment. Oh and if you want to adorn your desktop with one of those snazzy mock-motivational posters, you can find them here: Posters .

My next task is to start a Finer Things Club. If you know what I’m talking about, then send me a comment, too. If don’t know what it is, that’s how it works. It’s exclusive, yet also online, here: Finer Things Club.

Brian Regan does a funny stand-up where he breaks down Pop Tarts and their ridiculous cooking instructions.

Watch it on Comedy Central Videos

Oprah Winfrey featured Ugg Boots on her Favorite Things episode in 2005. Two years later, I can’t walk a downtown block without crossing a young woman blandishing a pair. It’s true. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that on any given day in Fall, one out of every five chicks will be rocking the Uggs. This time of year, when the temperature starts to drop, they’re a dime a dozen. But, I had not realized the full potential of the marketing power of the Uggs nor Oprah until yesterday, when I saw a dude wearing them. I kid you not. He was Ugg’n it big time. I would like to tip my hat and give him a nod for his bravery and bold sense of fashion. This music video is for you, my Ugg wearing brother:
(Oh, and in case anybody is thinking of giving me a Christmas present, I’m a size 12.)

Matt York, our Publisher, has declared December 3rd National Groin Injury Day. Here’s the low-down on the subject:

I’m trying to relive my high school years– a time when I could run a 5 minute mile. I hated running the mile, I preferred the 800M race. Two laps, that was it. It’s so much easier to keep track of where you are in your race when you only go two laps.

But of all things related to running, cross country was my favorite sport and this Thanksgiving I relived some of those skinny-little-teenager days when I convinced myself running a 5k race (3.1 mi.) would be a great way to kick off Turkey Day. This last Thursday also marked the beginning of week 7 of my return to running after a 7 year hiatus from consistent exercise. And, the results are in… I’m slow. But, I beat my goal of 27 minutes with an unofficial 26:37 time on my watch. The official race clock had me at 31:54 (323rd place, overall). That’s quite a discrepancy between my watch and the race clock. Honestly, I find it hard to believe. It was a slow start with over 1,800 participants. In fact, I remember walking the first 100 meters as the road was packed. The next mile was a blur as I was preoccupied dodging walkers, joggers (which I guess would be considered me as well) and baby carriages– lots of baby carriages. Yes, the first mile was spent trying not to collide with anyone or anything off the paved road at which I frequently jumped in and out of to position myself. There was no fast lane.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share my little accomplishment. If you want more info check out the Run for Food website. The Run for Food 5k race is a fund raiser for the Jesus Center which helps Chico’s homeless population. The event raised over an estimated $60,000, a much bigger accomplishment worth a mention. Read more at the Chico Enterprise Record.

In a desperate effort to find something to post about, I’m going to have to resort to trashy content. But, I promise it will be fun.

The Set-up
Last weekend I was doing some reading (Online reading of websites that is) and I came across a very familiar term: The Lounge. Sound familiar? Well, it should. But, it turns out this Lounge belongs to the Chico News and Review, a local publication with branches in Sacramento and Reno. It’s ok reading. Anyway, back to the CNR’s Lounge and the trashy content I’m trying to get to. It appears that the Lounge is just a place to post an online personal add. Online dating is huge, despite its drawbacks. What drawbacks, you say? The mere fact that online dating really brings out the weirdos. You know what I’m saying. You’ve got to be highly selective when it comes to choosing your “winks” or whatever you call ‘em these days.

So, here’s where I come in. In the absence of having a large community at our Lounge (yet), I’m going to randomly select some individuals from CNR’s Lounge to profile. This ought to be fun, right? Again, when we’ve got some peeps up in here, I’ll choose some respectable profiles. Until then, this is what I have to work with.

First up, Mr. Sweet N Caring. That’s right ladies, get your pencils sharpened and jot down his specs.

Ok, let’s break this down. First, Sweet N Caring as a name is a great try, but it’s a hard name to have to divulge to your friends. I mean, can you imagine telling your best girlfriend that your going on a date with Sweet N Caring. That won’t fly. I’m just going to start calling him Aaron, because he looks like an Aaron to me. So, Aaron starts off in the right direction by emphasizing some key characteristics with his profile ID, but ultimately, it’s too cheesy and not very practical. Your first rule is to choose an ID name that’s personable and that can be used in a typical conversation. Got that Aaron?

My second concern, and this is coming from a photographer/videographer, is Aaron’s photo. His face looks good, nice smile, good clean haircut, but the lighting is wacky. Aaron, buddy, it looks like your head is floating in outer-space. Just a big ol’ head hanging out there, completely detached from a body. I know what went wrong here. You used your flash on the camera. That’s typical, but do yourself a favor, invest $30 (I’m guessing) and get yourself over to Sears and get some real portraits done. None of this cheap stuff, ok? You’re trying to impress the ladies and a nice, colorful background will really bring out those blue eyes. Trust me. You’ll have them IM’ing you instantly.

Lastly, I’m taking away points for the not-so-brilliant “effectionate” word use. What’s wrong here? It’s spelled wrong. Let’s do this one together, shall we (out loud everyone) A-F-F-E-C-T-I-O-N-A-T-E. Rule number two, use spell check, or better yet, a dictionary. I’m sorry Aaron, the affect/effect use is confusing, but a dead giveaway that you affectionate personality is total BS is the fact you can’t spell it correctly. Just telling you the truth. I’d rather date a dude who knows his emotional side well enough to put it accurately in writing. That’s what love contracts are all about. But that’s another blog entry.

Ok. Aaron, let’s sum this up. First, your profile name is touching but it also hides the real you, making you less approachable. Second, your photo is a trip. Invest! This is your love life after all. Lastly, double check grammar and spelling. Always do that. Always. Overall, I’m going to give Aaron 1 out of 5 stars on his profile. I would have given him a zero and then I realized that most of his solicitors won’t even notice the poor spelling–maybe I’m being too critical. But, don’t worry, we won’t let him leave empty handed. Aaron there’s a gift basket in the mail.